Reflections

As I stare outside into the gentle flurries that grace the sky, all time and commitments are forgotten. I’ve been up since 6AM (I am not a morning person in the least), because my daughter decided she wanted to play. At first I was irritated. I love and cherish my sleep, but ever since I’ve become a mom, I don’t sleep much. And even before that, I never slept well. I go to bed late and wake up at least three times every night (even when I don’t have my daughter). I don’t really have a choice as to when I go to bed; no matter how early I lay down, my thoughts consume me and I lie there for hours. That’s kind of how I feel now as I watch the snow fall. Lost in translation.

My grandmother’s birthday is today. She would have been 64. In November of 2002, she passed away due to lung cancer. Words could not describe her personality; she was harsh yet gentle, crazy but calm, and had a somewhat cruel yet funny sense of humor. I know my daughter would have given her a run for her money. They would’ve loved each other. She passed away when she was just 52. That seems so young to me. She had so much life in her, enough life to pass on to many more people.

My grandma from my step-mom’s side of the family is currently in the hospital. We are hoping things will be okay and she will be able to go home in a few days. I know that tests are being done and that everyone is on standby. It’s a scary thing, to not know. When I think about it, I realize just how little I do know. My grandma on my dad’s side is also not doing well. She’s a tough bird and has been hanging on for awhile. She is very stubborn, as is my dad. That’s probably where I got that trait from. Actually, I know that’s where I get that from. It’s a family tradition.

I get lost in my thoughts a lot. This morning, I realized yet again how much I take things for granted. I thought about all the complaining I do, about anything. It’s cold outside. My car won’t start. I’m always tired. My daughter woke up early or is being a stinker. Work. Insecurities. The list is endless. But the thing is that those things really don’t matter. Or at least they shouldn’t. I think we as a society put too much emphasis on things that aren’t important. We stress about things we shouldn’t stress about. What really matters is our family and our well being. Even if you take away the money, the house, the car, the TV, and all of the other material possessions, you are still left with something. Our lives are not our possessions. I personally do not want to watch my life pass by while I’m doing things that aren’t going to get me anywhere in life. What I’ve come to realize is that I need to spend more time living in the moment, and overall, in the present. I’m always worrying about the future and my past is never far behind me. But sometimes it’s nice to start a new chapter. Not even nice, but necessary. Life is precious. My time on this earth is limited, as well as that time being used to the best of my ability with the people that matter most in my life.

I know I will need to be reminded of this time and time again. Generally speaking, I don’t believe humans have the capacity to truly appreciate everything they have and what they should be thankful for. I know I certainly don’t have that ability. My I can sure as hell try.

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~ by mmasters89 on December 9, 2013.

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