5 Mistakes Or 5 Signs?

Lately, I’ve really been in to the whole LinkedIn thing. I’ve made connections, updated my resume, made a free website, and read blogs. One blog that came up in my ‘LinkedIn Today Recommends’ section was a blog entitled ‘5 Mistakes I Continue to Make In My Marriage.’ Now, I’m not married. Probably won’t be for a really long time, if at all. Point is, I don’t plan that stuff. You just can’t. Anyway, I read the article, and I really liked the points the author brought up. In fact, I’ll list them for you right now.

1. Demanding gold stars. 

2. Using a snappish tone.

3. Not showing enough consideration.

4. Score-keeping.

5. Taking my husband for granted.

I read this article and thought “wow, what a great article! She’s completely right.” The author did elaborate on these points. I realized that I’m guilty of the majority of them usually, and occasionally all of them. In conclusion, I’m not really all that fun to be with sometimes. Now, I knew that already, but to hear that someone else did the same thing I did made me feel like I wasn’t alone (obviously). Let me now do my own elaborations on them.

1. Demand gold stars. I am sometimes guilty of this theory; do something nice to get his attention, dress a certain way to get a compliment, blah blah blah. But really, it’s game playing. Because if I don’t get that compliment, and he doesn’t say thank you for something I do, I’m going to be angry or irritated. “Look, I did something and it goes unnoticed. I’m not appreciated.” And honestly, that’s how I felt. Unappreciated. Maybe he does notice and just doesn’t say anything. Maybe he just expects it of me. But really, I’m just setting myself up for failure if I’m fishing for compliments and thank you’s. And sometimes that leads into point 2.

2. Using a snappish tone. Yeah… this one I am guilty of almost every day, I’ll admit it. There are a lot of contributing factors to this one, though. Bad day at work, baby is cranky, my basic needs aren’t met, I’m feeling overwhelmed by the mess, etc. But really, this is just an excuse. Maybe my partner also had a bad day, or is stressed and has things on his mind. It is not okay to take out your frustrations on the other person. Now, it’s one thing to rant. I get ranting, and I do it a lot. I don’t like to be told to calm down when I’m ranting because I’m just letting it all out, and you can’t be calm and rant at the same time. At least in my experience. But when you’re done ranting, boy do you feel better (unless you’re still holding onto it). I’ve really been trying to work on this one, but this one is DIFFICULT. I put that all in caps because I really struggle with it. And when I get called out on it, I’m already in a mood that isn’t exactly rational. What I need to do is either rant to someone else, write it down, or just sit and not talk about why I’m irritable. Just let it stew, I suppose. I’ve been working on coming back to an issue after I’ve had (at least) a few hours to calm down. Communication is key, but I’ve learned that how you communicate is just as important.

3. Not showing enough consideration. Now, the funny thing here is that I’ve been accused of this, but I never really realized when I wasn’t showing enough consideration. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not sure what else to do or say except “thank you” and a massage when we get a quick break in the day (which is almost never).  Is a “thank you” good enough? I’ve been trying to work on this one too. I don’t like to come off as dependent, a mooch, or a taker and not a giver. However, I think that it can be hard to show gratefulness. What worked for someone else doesn’t always work for the person you’re with now. Throw in the fact that there’s no time to do anything special for that person, and you don’t have a lot of options. At least that’s how I feel. If I could, I’d plan (at the minimum) 6 hours with my significant other to spend time with them and just be with him and show him how grateful I am and how much I enjoy him as a person. Something romantic, maybe (what does that word even mean anymore?). In any case, I never feel like I do enough in this department. But I’m trying to figure it out, and I think I’ve been getting better. As far as what my significant other says, well who knows.

4. Score-keeping. Now, I don’t typically do this as much. I don’t do the barter thing very well. If I made dinner for someone, I cleaned. It was my way of showing that person that I really wanted to make them a romantic dinner and that I didn’t want a trade-off of services, so to speak. Now, I get that if someone is making dinner on a regular basis, it’s only fair I do the dishes (dishes are therapeutic for me, anyway). So, at least I have one point I’m not completely guilty of.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Hmm, I’ve been accused of this one too. I also think this ties into point 3, at least for me it does. I’m trying to work on this one too, but I’ll admit it’s hard for me because I don’t always realize when I’m doing it. When I am doing it, it’s usually pointed out to me, but usually when we’re arguing, so we’re both switching between attack/defense mode. Sometimes I am guilty of focusing on his flaws and not his virtues. I think we all go through that thought process (sometimes more than once). It’s the thought process that comes up when you start contemplating if you want to invest more time and effort into the relationship. If the other person is even worth your time and effort. I’m not the easiest person to get along with, and honestly I look at my own flaws more than my virtues. In the end the question is always the same: “What the hell does he see in me, anyway?” In returning to the literal explanation of this point, I think I am getting better at this one. But again, you might want to ask my significant other if he agrees.

Now after doing this self-analyzing (which is very hard for me, usually), I felt great after reading this article. Then I scrolled down to the comments. Most women felt how I had felt. “Thanks for the advice”. “Oh my gosh I do this all the time!” “Good pointers, I”ll have to try them out!” Things to that extent. Then I read the comments that men posted. They were ALL THE SAME. I’ll paraphrase all that I read:

“No one is perfect by any means but you basically just made a list of all the reasons guys fear getting married to a girl because of who they might turn into.”

“Wow. The author sounds like a real pain in the ass.”

” The fact that you have to make yourself “not keep score” is a disturbing trend to this union. the fact that you have to make a conscience effort to be considerate and not snap is borderline rude and finally, to not show your partner consideration is unforgiveable…”

Now, I thought the article was eye-opening. I have a lot of outside issues which can sometimes cause me to do the points listed above. However, after reading those comments from those men, I must say that opened up my eyes even more. What guy would want to put up with some nagging, immature girl. I wouldn’t want to put up with a guy like that either. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, but if I want to keep my fish, I really have to choose which battles are worth it. In that aspect of things, I think I’m getting better. Something made me really upset this past Wednesday night, but I never said anything about it because I knew it wasn’t worth the fight. I have to remember if I want to keep a great guy, I have to be great myself. I can’t let my insecurities and issues chase that great guy away. The hard part is to remember that when I’m in the heat of the moment. That will be my charge.

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~ by mmasters89 on December 21, 2012.

One Response to “5 Mistakes Or 5 Signs?”

  1. I found this to be very helpful and very informative. It helped me to remember some things I had forgotten. Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed it very much.

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